THE DEATH OF SNOOKI

Commenting On This Current Culture
by B'Lack Osama

A couple months back, the reality tv guido-plague Jersey Shore ended, whether anyone realized it, or wanted to admit it. Most people knew instantly that the show's success was due to the drunken hook-ups that fuck-ups The Situation, Paulie D and, most of all, Snooki got themselves into. Sex and bad choices and bullshit drama are key to keeping a young and ever-expanding audience's interest, rite? I KNO IT GETZ MY D HARDDDDDDD!!!!1!!

But once Snooki got knocked up, it was all over. She either becomes a despicable, piece of shit trash who doesn't give a fuck about anybody else and is an addict and keeps drinking and loses the kid, or she grows up, falls out the public spotlight because she can't play that role anymore and takes care of her kid, or... MTV lucks out and she has a 'natural' miscarriage and everyone rolls right into next season. Or she becomes Courtney Love.

We all know she was the whole show. C'mon, dood. Without Snooki, you're left with a cast of bros with ever-enlarging foreheads, smooshing their way through a merry-go-round of disposable, replaceable, and ultimately forgettable VaJean. It gets old, to the viewer at least, after awhile.

Without the epitome of the short, chubby, ego-obese slut we all know and try to fuck when we're really drunk, no one gives a shit. We don't want to watch Sammi bitch out Ron again; we've seen it already, and we may very well be living it too...

We want to see the NEXT STUPID THING that that Snooki does. We like to watch her fuck up and get fucked and be funny and have this sort of faux-closeness, yet detachment to this... character. It's a live person that's assumed a bullshit nickname and gets hammered and out of control all the time and is a real-life cartoon character.

We don't wanna watch montages of Paulie and the 'Sitch and... that other fucking gui-douche in the background working out, then putting on their fresh kicks and sitting around talking about tanning each other's buttholes...

We want to see Snooki bring home a new dude from the club when she's so drunk she can't even fucking talk, so we can vicariously live through that anomalous guy, that regular joe getting his truncated fifteen minutes... So we can ALL bang America's hottest new spank bank teller. FUKKK YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

And, girls always like to talk shit and hate on da Bottom Bitch, who is actually da TOP Bitch, 'na mean?????//

I've seen a few episodes, I've got a 'famous person boner' for Snooki, but I can't say I really know a lot about, uh, her situation, with her kid and the baby daddy and all, but seriously, dood; good for you. Like Kevin Federline before you, you knocked up some (meh, kinda) hot kooz who came into some money and fame out of nowhere. You inverted the paradigm; you are getting paid by the chick for having a kid with her, for the rest of your life, because she's fucking rich. NICEEEEEEEEE

You can hear doodz swear they'd never bang Jessica Simpson or Snooki because they're fat and stupid and ugly or whatever, but... Pamela Anderson used to bounce around on the beach on every teenage boy's tv before she turned into a dried out, jizz rag voodoo doll too. 'Na mean???????????????/

I've... probably made my point a little too... vividly, but honestly, it's all because I wish I was Snooki's baby-daddy. What a sweet fuckin' gig, RITE?????????/?